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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.