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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.