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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.