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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.