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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.