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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
What Iām really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.