Daily Silly Status

I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.

One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.

"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."

You are here: X

Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.

No toilet paper.. goodbye socks

Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.

Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.

Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!

Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?

I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun... "Dean, what are you doing this weekend?" "That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should." "But what are you doing?" "What I`m g

Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.

The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.

I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!