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Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
he who laughs last thinks slow
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally