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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.