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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...