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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.