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The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly