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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?