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My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
I need more people like me in my life
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.