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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
Bad decisions make good stories.