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Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?