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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.