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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
The term "I paid GOOD money for that!" is soo silly..Honestly, have you ever seen BAD money? NOT ME !!!
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.