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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.