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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly