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Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
All milk is breast milk.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.