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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
Match dot com, but for socks.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.