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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver