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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.