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My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.