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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.