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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.