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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass