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i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.