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Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.