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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.