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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.