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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Your things are terrific.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
It`s no fun if you have permission.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.