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I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Bitch Iām not insulting you, Iām describing you.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.