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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
My misery likes tequila, not company.