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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...