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If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.