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The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Hi Iām an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.