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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe