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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.