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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"