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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.