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I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.