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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Which wine goes best with more wine?
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed