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Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.