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No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.