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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!