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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Go ahead caller 9!!
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.