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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Email: 8 character min, including 1 upper, 1 lower, 1 number, 1 special character. ATM card: 4 numbers
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."