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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.