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Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
lol I rotfl
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
Iām glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.