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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.