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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"