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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.