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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
I make a great second impression.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
Is Nudeism a religion?
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.