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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
why we do not have a romance class...............
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.