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Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!