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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
I give myself the best presents.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.