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So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.