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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie