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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.