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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.