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It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.