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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
i like boobs
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"