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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver