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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
This is a lousy dating site.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards