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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Oh and BTW,,, Why haven`t Pig Pen`s parents been visited by child services yet?
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Iām not brave. Iām just past the age where running is an option.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?