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When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Hello...
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.