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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.