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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.