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The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.