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One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.