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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.