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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?