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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."