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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......