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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
life is too short to match socks
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music