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If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)