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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"