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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.