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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.