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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"