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We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.