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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.