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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.