Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."