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If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.