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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.
Technically, every picture is a before picture.