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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?