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I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?