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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.