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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?