Daily Silly Status

The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.

I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.

As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.

Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.

Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry

Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.

If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before

Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?

I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.

I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?

To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.

If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.

Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.

If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.

roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...