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People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|