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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data