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Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.