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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up