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All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.