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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.