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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?