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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.