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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.