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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.