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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.