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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.