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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
Please do not read this.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.