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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.