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Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
Marriage is for quitters
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.