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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s