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The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.