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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"