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Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
Marriage tip: Don`t
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.