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Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Do angry people know about naps?