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I drink to make other people interesting
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.