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Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
I drink to make other people interesting.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"