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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.