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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".