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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.