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Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.