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That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
A court date is still technically a date, right?
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.