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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.