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I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.