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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.