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Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."