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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."