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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!