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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.